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02:14pm 13/01/2004
  the semester has started and i feel like i must already be behind in something despite my academic ambition and courage. But more importantly, two of my best friends are going through difficult times and I don't know how to help, or what I should do to be the best friend that I could be. I dont know if these are things that they need to go through on their own, if i could help by distracting them with either a movie/ice cream night or a night of rum bums. Or if what they really want is to talk about it. So by not knowing what I can do to help, I haven't done anything, and i feel badly that it seems that way. But I do worry about them, and I am concerned. One friend tries to hide that anythings wrong, and the other is pulling away like she wouldn't want my help or friendship anyways. You guys, I dont know what to do, but I love you and more than anything i want you to be happy. I know I've been really selfish lately, but that's going to change. And I don't knwo waht to do or say, so if you need me, I need you to ask. and if you want me to go away i need you to tell me that too. but i do think we need a rum bums night with the three of us sometime soon... my friday and saturday nights are free... I've got the bar.  
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05:46pm 04/12/2003
  Dude, this sucks. How difficult is it for people to understand? I passed out a sheet, if you didnt sign up, you didnt get a plate of food. I signed a contract, no i can't get more food ordered when the order went out on Monday. I'm sorry, you can't bring a date, if you didnt order food for him, and no the fraternity will not PAY for your dates food if they do not pay fraternity dues. Tell them not to come, so i can tell the three other slackers who are getting mad at me, because they never signed the list that they can come. While the chair of the social committee, isnt around to give me the decorations, so we will have no decorations and its not my fault. And no, if you decided that you would rather have a vegetarian plate, and you previously reserved a meat plate, you CANNOT get a vegetarian plate. I wish i oculd just tell people this rather than act like I'm apologetic that they didnt cover their asses before.  
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06:25pm 20/11/2003
  I"m trying not ot be that girl...
who feels sorry for herself, looks at old pictures and pigs out on chocolate ice cream...
so instead I've watched wretched MTV- so I can feel sorry for the punk ass losers who believe their cool who are actually ON MTV... (really it just makes me actually consider implants)
I've called you too many times, now I've cried on your shoulder and left work early cause I was so ill to be around...
and the only ice cream I have is peppermint, and I dont really like peppermint ice cream.
I wanna at least be pro-active. clean the fridge or something! Instead I've just eaten all the leftover that are edible. And mentally cataloged the stuff of mine you still have.
While I cried to you, you said we might get back together sometime. That made me even sadder.		  
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I hate this holiday...   
10:09am 31/10/2003
  Horoscope of the day:
Dear Tara,
You may not want to leave your house today! Somehow, you may not feel very social, and rather spend some time alone. You could have a strong desire to go through old photographs, read letters that you've received years ago, and go through things that have been packed away in the attic. Bringing old memories back and thinking about them with a new perspective, may clear things up. Since you've gained wisdom and experience over the years, certain issues that have occupied your mind in the past may now finally make sense.
Bah. Yeah, I'd like to spend the day curled up on the couch feeling badly for myself, but I did that last year, and it didn't work out too well. plus I have to work, and theres supposed to be some good parties that I do want to go to. I'm so tired of hating halloween. I was tempted to get a costume too. but then i remembered that there are no 'non-sluttly, over 10 year old" type costumes.
By the way, I'm failing econometrics.
Why do I fuck everything up? why did i ever pick this major? I cried to Dr. Farr, not that I think that's gonna do anything, but I'm embarrassed by it. He seemed generally pleased that I actually cared so much. I guess I'd better get to know him well since I'll be taking senior seminar from him (without passing the pre-requisite) and I'll be re-taking econometrics. I think i can still graduate next december though. just no winter break, spring break or summer. I hate college. I think i'll take a few months off of life after i graduate. i dont know what you could do if you took a few months off life. I'd have to make rent somehow. and if i lived at home, that wouldnt be taking off from life- it'd be shoving it down my throat. i dont want a real job where i have to wake up earlier than i do for class, and i have to go to bed early and no afternoon naps. I wish i liked waitressing enough to be a professional waitress but i dont.
neal leaves in two weeks. for 6 weeks. he informed me last night. in an argument. and he's not bothered by it. in the least. sadly, i dont want him to leave, cause i'm afraid it might give me a reason to break it off, and on the other hand, i glad he's leaving cause it'll be a bit of a break. nither are loving-girlfriend things to think.
Halloween sucks.		  
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12:15pm 28/09/2003
  *yawn*
I went to Athens last night with Jamie. It was Autumns birthday. Autumn is one of those people that I really, really admire. She's always cheerful, and has always gone out of her way to come see me, and I've felt a little guilty about not going to see her, so I'm glad (at least for my own consious) that I made the trip. Scott and this other guy Scott were there too- and it was really weird, cuase freshman year, I hung out a little with Scott and his 'group' and stopped cuase they kindof acted like they were too cool for me (and i suspected that they used me cause scott liked robin). but he must have grown up a little, cause he was really cool, and we had a good time. Also, we were the milledgeville group with all the athens kids, we were kinda segregated into bonding. We played drinking games, and humg out. All the M'ville group were drinking, and the athens people were all... not drinking. I felt kinda bad about that. I dont know why, i guess cause i remember being in that type of a group, and how the drunk people made me feel, and i wouldnt want to be the cause of that type of feeling. This guy Brad, who I met like two summers ago at Autumns home in Dalton was there. I totally didnt recognize me till much later, and he came up to me and was like- you dont remember me, i brought you milkshakes? and i freaked out! My bad! He's such a cool guy, really cute too, I don't understand where his insecurities come from. He made a few comments last night that showed that lack of confidence, and it was one of those things where i wish i was friends with him and hung out with him on a regular basis so he wouldnt be like that. He really shot himself in the foot in a few ways with that attitude. We all finally went downtown, nd I was so nervous. The majority of my highschool goes to UGA- and it's a big high school, and in the limited amount of time I've spent around UGA, I always run into people, and i just don't want to be reminded of high school. High school in GA sucks. I spent just as much time in GA high school as i did in FL highschool, and all my positive high school moments are from Florida. its crazy, cuase by going to a magnet school, i didnt know anyone when i started HS in Orlando, but i was really a totally different school, with a lot more room for me than there was in Marietta. So, we get out of the car in downtown athens, and right there on the corner is Paul Courtwright! That was really cool. He looked totally the same, and gave me a huge hug and we did a quick- how ya been? hows the sister? good to see you, have a good night, and then we were off. and then through out the night, i saw three more not so cool people from high school. one was a douche bag who tried to date Andrea. When we got to college, guys started to realize that if they like a girl, they need to be nice ot her friends. And girls started to realize that if their friends didnt like the guy, that said a lot about the guy. well, this guy was such a jerk! A total jerk, and he just fawned after andrea, and she was always really nice ot him, and i was like, why do you give him the time of day? now i realize it was cause he gave her attention, but it always pist me off, cause he didnt deserve to be treated nicely if he was gonna treat her best friend so badly. long story short, i saw him, he saw me, i sent negative vibes to his direction, and he is obviously still the douche bag he was in high school. and that makes me happy. cause i'm not, and he is, and if you havent changed at all in a positive way from high school by now, chances are you're not gonna. Anyway, we came home this mornign, and dispite my need to sleep, i've been cleaning. and i'll have to go to BBW in a little bit, so let me shower. Peace out.		  
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03:11am 09/08/2003
  my body hurts. my feet are numb now, so thats a good thing. but i can feel the weight through my hips down to the center of my feet and that seems like a really bad thing. my throat is closing off from being around so much smoke, and i've started drinking in an attempt to relax myself, a habit i dont want to start. i miss neal, but i dont have time to call him. i dont even feel like i have time to fix my schedule so that when he can see me i can see him. and i met a very cool, very attractive guy tonight, totally my type and i swear it took me half a second before i stopped myself from checking him out in a "single" way to just an "appreciative however have a boyfriend so don't check me out back way". By the time that half a second had past there had already been a mutual checking out and i feel really badly about it. cause i want to be kissed, and i can't be kissed by neal and there are all these thoughts and doubts runnign through my head about my relationship wiht neal... "do i have time to committ to a guy? do i want to be serious wiht a guy that i dont want to be serious-serious with? is this the shit or get off the pot time? if i can't see myself with him long term, is it fair to stick around just cause things work out well? Does he really have to offer what I want out of a significant other?" I have at least two answers for each of these things however they are usually both contradictory. now my eyes are hurting as well. I hope the really hot guy doesnt come around any more. i hate that i've been tempted. if given the opportunity would i have hooked up with him? if i thought i wouldnt get caught- honestly i dont know. thats really really bad. i have to continue to not give myself the opportunity. i need to see neal. i love him. he's wonderful. i miss him so much it hurts. and i'm so lonely. i hate myself for even thinking what i do.  
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*happy dance*   
12:44pm 30/07/2003
  OKay, so i woke up to "scientist" by coldplay this morning, which made me miss neal INCREDIBLY. And it's a sad song but it still makes me happy cause it's our song, and i know that he thinks of me when he hears it and makes me think of him the same...
so we started the text messaging battle early...
he said that he could come down to see me tonight! But i have to work tonight and tomorrow...
so he said he wouldnt come...
so i said- I'll get it off! let me try...
and he said no no no, i'm not coming..
to which i said- we'll talk about this later, when i find out if i can get it off!
so, i go to loco's, and its no big deal! They were totally like- take off! we don't need you!
So, I am sooooo excited i could bust. rush through my test- totally have no clue how i did, other than not studying last night proabbaly hurt me. and I text neal to let him know...
and he says- I'm not coming
and i say- yes. you are. i got it off
and he says, nope. i have ot work
and i say- I"m not joking, you get it off, that is so not cool... (i'm starting to get mad... very upset kindof mad)
and he says- I'm joking, I'm coming!
YEAY YEAY YEAY YEAY YEAY! Today is such a lovely day! I needed a break from all this stuff anyways, and need to see Neal, I'm so happy! Whoo hoo!
-Leigh, are you coming for wing night?- neal wont be here till 10.		  
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Don't drink the water....   
11:09pm 29/07/2003
  I'm tired of this. i never drink water, but because i can't i really really want to. I feel yucky. I'm starting to feel yucky on the inside too. Working in a restaurant makes me miss cherokee cattle company very badly. there if i screwed up, it was okay. soemone always helped me, or it was easily forgiven cause i had worked there since i was like 15. now, i'm afraid that some mean person will be there behind me to yell at me and point out my flaws, or worse fire me for not cutting lemons. it will take a while for me to catch my rythum, and it doesnt help that i'm being thrown off by not feeling comfortable with the people around me. though, i do have a support group forming, which is encouraging. I"m too hard on myself, and worry too much about what others think. I want ot fix that. i shoot myself in the foot all the time by worrying about what others think or by being too sensitive about somethign someone says. any suggestions? Neal always tells me he's gonna teach me how to be an asshole, but i dont htink he does a very good job at it so i would rather learn from someone else. I'm tired and worn out. I bought a bunch of makeup that i didnt really need, but perhaps it will help. if that doesnt work, i've got two cabana boys in the freezer... lol! That still sounds horrible!  
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Boy- PMS is totally worse than girl-PMS   
01:33pm 22/07/2003
  Horoscope of the day:
"The company of a number of good friends, perhaps at a group activity, or festival of some kind, contributes to a powerful feeling of good health, good fortune, and happiness, Tara. You'll probably want to spend a lot of time out in the open air today. Sports events might seem especially appealing right now. There will be a few minor accidents - dropping things, spilling drinks, etc. - but all and all this should be a satisfying and congenial day."
hmm... too busy to hang out with friends, and the weather is too horrible to do anything outdoors. However, I am in a good mood and that could be because I got up early for Loco's training.. which was kindof a joke. I don't really feel like I fit in there though. I get along real well with the corporate people... but they will be gone after openning. They either act really immature, or snobby. Though, thats probably just me being over cautious and a bit intimadated. I will have Arrie, and theres a nice girl from my classes. I know a few of the guys... not to mention the kitchen boys are really cute! whoo hoo! Nothin better than eye candy! For my single friends, you WILL be visiting me and I WILL be introducing! No need there being cuteness wasted on just me.
Speaking of cuteness being wasted, Neal is being a total waste of cute-ability. Boy-PMS is horrible, he freakin YELLED at me and was quite mad at me for, get this, calling him so that his friends could figure out what was going on. He said that he couldnt fix his car because my text message and two phone calls were too much of a hassel. So then I REALLY start to harrass him, and he just blew them off. I figured I would be cute and annoying and he would get over it (it always works on me, but i guess not on him!) When I did talk to him at like midnight he was still mad over that DUMB thing, and tried to shift the blame. He REFUSED to apologize to me and ended up saying he was too tired to talk so i needed to get off the phone. The nerve! The thing is, that I have trouble sleeping when we are having a little tift, even the smallest one, i want it resolved or i cant sleep. so i woke up at 5 am, till 7:30 cause i couldnt sleep. when i finally fell asleep i overslept for training. Boys are so dumb.		  
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I feel one boring entry coming up!!!   
03:41pm 20/07/2003
  Horoscope of the day:
An upsetting dream about someone whom you love deeply could cause you to awaken suddenly in the night, Tara. You might have to ground yourself a little in reality before trying to go back to sleep. Stay calm! The dream isn't prophetic. It probably relates to your own fears about this person, or maybe even about yourself. Wait until morning, then write down the dream. Its meaning should have come clear to you by then.
dun dun duhhhh! Why yes, it is clear to me now! How strange! Funny thing though, I can't quite remember it...
I'm so bored at work. I want to go home but the only thing I have to do there is sit as well. So, I'll just sit here and get paid for it.
Training for Loco's starts tomorrow!!! Yikes! I'm scared. Not scared... nervous and not wanting to go. Thank goodness Arrie will be there! We can snicker at the sorostitutes together. Marshalls words keep ringing in my head. He doesnt want me to work at a bar, cause he's afraid that like the 'other' Tara, I will become a bar slut. Which is disappointing that he would assume that it's the environment and not the person responsible for their actions. Though Floralnuts said that Neal now has to break up with me and sleep with me three times before I can become 'girlfriend material' again. What dorks!
Okay, so major happenings (though no one seems as appreciative over it as I am)... Neals best friend Skoog is coming Tuesday without Neal (Neal is going to a wedding and has to work extra till then) and Skoog wants to hang out with me! How cool is that?! I'm friends with his friends! The person who he respects and loves like a brother likes me enough to want to see me without Neal! I'm excited. And Skoog is a good guy... quality. Not to mention that Hank wants me to be there too so I can give my approval on his new girl. Yeay! It's good to be loved. I should write a How-to book on how to get and keep a man (hint- don't want one and they will come!) I got the mad skills!
Girls, I am making chili in the new crock pot as we speak (hopefully my house has not burned down) Should be done by 7 or 8 is you all would like some! I can't promise as good of a meal as the lasagna, but I will keep you posted!		  
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First Entry   
12:05pm 18/07/2003
  I've learned a lot about public access confessionals. Not a great idea! My sister thinks I'm one of those computer weirdo's for having an "online diary", she really will if she finds out I have two! However, I started my last one out of heartbreak, and now am at a very good place. Life is shaping up pretty well (hopefully I won't fuck it up again), which probably means no quality literary work from me. Sorry, I'll listen to Lisa Loeb more, perhaps I can get somewhere by grabbing onto her coat-tails.
General info:
Trying to develop myself into an economists through a liberal education... bottom line, my politics are all screwed up. I have begun to question all my old beliefs and gained new ones. School has been kicking my butt, due to my own laziness. However I am determined to fix my attitude and do well.
I am the youngest of four, more sensitive than I need to be. I laugh too loud, am clumsy and awkward. I care too much about what people think, and it gets in the way a lot. Luckily I have a great support group. Have a great family, the best friends one could ask for and an amazing guy. I've had hard times, but am not interested in dwelling on the past.
I tend to ramble on and then suddenly am tired of writing and will abruptly stop. Just to warn you. Happy reading.		  
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prayersbought
 
 

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